Goodbye to 2022.

You held much much too much sadness for me. Before this year started I had so much hope for a better year! We had sold the farm and made plans for retirement. We had a new well for the new year…the old one had collapsed and we had a new one installed. I just had hoped it would be a great one….

But it was everything but good. Starting on day 1. The day we lost Shane. I cannot believe it has been a year. It has gone fast. I still remember waking up that Sunday morning on the 2nd and Tom seeing the news posted on Facebook. I didn’t believe it. Had to check for myself.. Shocked and saddened to find it was true. My great great friend-a great friend of so many-a beautiful light of the world……gone. I miss you to this day. I always will.

Things were going good for awhile. Our daughter got her Master’s degree and we got to go watch her get that! He was so so proud of her…of course, we BOTH were! She ended up getting her dream job and moving to a great city…sadly he was not here to see that.

We made those plans, we picked out beautiful new siding for the house. And Tom bought that trike. Brand new 2022 Tri-Glide. He was so proud of that bike. His ‘retirement bike’ he called it. I did get to get a ride on it when we took a dinner ride with a couple friends….I had been looking forward to so many more rides. It had been awhile. This bike was going to make it possible. I never dreamed it wouldn’t happen.

Then August 12th happened. I think about that day a lot. I think about Tom on that day a lot. I still don’t know what happened. That bothers me. When the report says no brake marks and no sign of steering correction….you think it was other causes. Does knowing what happened change anything? Not from that day. Of course. It would just give me some answers.

I have written a bit about losing Tom already. Obviously you know that if you follow this blog or have read it after I have posted on Facebook. But every day it is different. Things you don’t expect can trigger you….yesterday, it was simply a huge billboard when I went into town, that advertised Bud Light Chelada. That was his drink of choice almost every day on his way home from work. Seeing that was a reminder of what isn’t anymore. Those every day simple things you take for granted. Gone. Forever.

We got through the holidays. Somehow. His absence was so loud, really. Yes, he was that self-professed Grinch. But he also loved old Christmas shows, family, presents. His mom had always included a bag of M&Ms in a present and once she was gone, we did too. One day on my way to town it hit me, that I didn’t have to do that. But we decided to still. I put up his stocking and I bought his bag of M&Ms. I noticed after we opened presents on Christmas Eve that not one of us sat in his chair…not even on purpose. Maybe out of habit. It seemed that was the perfect thing to do.

I sold his truck, his trailer, his plow blade, and finally his other motorcycle…his beautiful 2011 Street Glide. When it was put up on his trailer, pulled by his truck…well, I was so incredibly sad…I had seen it on there before. Never to drive away with it to be sold. It was so strange to have it gone…we had so many memories on that bike!

I got a memorial tattoo. I love it. No name. No date. Perfect as is. The Love You!! on it is from the last card he gave me. Normally, I don’t keep them. Normally, he signed them Love, Tom. This time it was just Love You! Which ended up being the very last two words he had texted me that morning before he left. Love You! Not I love you… Just love you!

I want you all to know…I am doing this one day at a time. Facing each thing as it comes. Whatever that might be…Blizzards and furnaces not working, memories of what was and never will be again. Holidays…. I am doing it the only way I know how. It doesn’t make me strong or brave. It is just me. Never did I dream I would be here. Not now. Not like this. I am hoping for a better 2023. But it will be a year that Tom was not a part of. It will still be a year of firsts..and then no longer firsts.