13 days until Christmas. 16 months since you left us. I thought it was supposed to get easier. But it hasn’t. It doesn’t. It just gets different.

I sit alone and watch people living their normal every day lives, doing the stuff they have done for a long long time. Just like I used to do. The kind of stuff I miss more than anything. How do you miss so very much making a lunch, getting the coffee ready, complaining he is on his phone/computer too much. How do you miss so very much hearing about his day at work, again, arguing about something so ridiculous, again. How do you miss doing their laundry, buying the stuff only they would eat, trying to figure out what to get them for Christmas for the 30++++ time.

You just do. The every day things that you got used to and the ones you complained about. You miss them all.

You miss all the special things too. The trips, the nicknames, the memories of things that you have only shared with one other human being. How you knew their hands like no other. The feel of their hugs. Not long ago on one of the nights that I couldn’t sleep, it occurred to me that in the past, when I couldn’t sleep, I would snuggle next to him, as he usually slept on his left side. No matter what he would grab my hand and wrap our arms together and after a kiss on the hand, he always would hold it close to his heart and I would fall back asleep. I miss that.

Some days are not as hard. Some days it still feels new. I get tired of sitting alone in here and missing him. Watching shows and movies can be painful. You never know what will gut punch you. There is so much. As anyone who had gone through losing someone can tell you, there will always be those moments. Sometimes, driving a song will bring the tears. Sometimes just walking into our room and seeing some of his stuff will do it.

People have drifted away for the most part. I wish sometimes that those who said they would stop by, would. I hope you never stop thinking about him and please, don’t stop talking about him. I love to hear the memories. And sure, as so many have told me, at least I have those. But you see, even those, which should be good, can be so very painful.

Because memories are now all there will ever be.