I have this big birthday coming up. BIG. One that my mind is struggling with. Mostly because I cannot believe that I am already this old. It can’t be. That old saying about how time flies faster the older you get? Yeah, it isn’t just an old saying. It is true.
I started thinking about it a lot this morning. I got to thinking about what I thought it would be like to be this age and realized, it is NOTHING like I expected. My uncle told me once it was weird being older. He felt the same from the neck up. Then he looks in the mirror. And it isn’t the same. I get that. SO much. I get that.
I don’t feel any older in my head. I was thinking back even to when I was a child. I don’t feel much different than that, either. Thoughts, feelings, a lot of things have not changed. I still think too much, worry too much, FEEL too much. I think by now I thought I wouldn’t care how people treated me, or things wouldn’t hurt my feelings so easily. But that hasn’t changed. That surprises me. We can say we don’t care what people think of us, or say about us but I wonder if that is really true for most. I can only tell you, it isn’t for me. I wish so much it was. Because..my feelings still can get hurt easily. I cry still too easily because of it. I feel bad when I am still left out. Heck, even when I see family and friends commenting on Facebook on OTHER family and friends pages and not mine, that still hurts. Ridiculous, you say? Maybe, but it is how I feel and try as I might, I can’t seem to change it. It makes me wonder, what did I do? Why don’t they like me as much as the others. And at this age…or any, for that matter, why DOES it matter? Yeah, I got to thinking about that, too.
My self esteem took a big hit early in my life once my dad died when I was four and my mom remarried someone I never liked or got a long with, someone who was always quick to criticized. I was never pretty enough, smart enough, skinny enough….you get the idea. I never lost that. Then, we have a society that makes those of us who aren’t ‘the best’ keep feeling that way. I got to wondering WHY do we always have to be ‘the best.’ Why do we always award it, too. Why can’t I just be me and have that be good enough? Even at almost 60.
I thought by now, life would be easy, and fun, full of family gatherings, grand kids, travel…etc. But life can have a way of surprising us. I don’t want it to be a life of just existing, paying bills, working, that mundane stuff. I want to still be awed by everything. I guess if anyone knows me, they know I still am….whether it be
By art
By Nature
By Music
Okay, by pretty much everything! I am happy that I am still inspired, made speechless, brought to tears, full of emotion about it all.
I think talking about the other obvious, not so fun changes…you know, the looking in the mirror wondering who that old person is looking back and the, where are my glasses, I can’t see kind of changes, can wait. Or be ignored. Yeah, that one, sounds like a better idea!
Joy Brown 
It is interesting where life takes us, isn’t it? I have a few years before I see 60, but I look in the mirror at 51 and say the same darn thing!!!! How did I get here? And you are so right, time goes by faster and faster all the time. I also might add- you are very fun to travel with!
Thanks! We need to travel again! I am missing traveling…need to add that back in this year!
Just before I turned 40 almost 6 years ago, I truly thought that the very best years of my life were pretty much over. But I couldn’t have been more wrong. While I still look in the mirror and wonder where the wrinkles and bags under my eyes came from, like you, I still feel that same way. I don’t feel old. (Well, maybe some days I do!) For the most part, I feel like I am the same as I always was, with just a little more experience, a little more patience, and perhaps a lot more room for love! I adore life in my 40’s and I’m hoping I will feel the same way in my 50’s and 60’s and 70’s………
I have a hunch you will feel the same!
I’m nipping at your heels on the age thing but I feel I have changed a lot. I still have my insecurities though and thanks for letting me know I am not alone that way. But like you I try to look at the bright side and see the beauty. Thanks for that reminder too.
I think we all feel this way to some extent, others are just better at hiding it I suppose. I often feel like this when I see people and their lovely travel pics and I’m still here caregiving tied to my house.
I understand the caregiving tied to the house….I miss out on some things because of it.
I am approaching the Big 60 also, and Agree totally with the “youth” in our minds & Hearts! But Sooo Cherishing the 40 yrs Duane & I have been married, and Blessed with 2 daughters & fams. The Grandkids are so Precious! Thanks for sharing thoughts, Joy! I too saved all my albums from the 70’s! Lol
I just had my birthday realizing in my future there are more birthdays behind me than in front of me. That said I really and on a crusade to embrace my old age!
It is kind of scary..and I so agree!!!
I loved your emphasis on things not being as you expected, partly cause that leaves room for things to be better, or just different, rather than just worse… Always good to know we are not alone in what we experience, thank you.
Great way to look at it! Yes, different than expected doesn’t necessarily mean worse, it can be better….
Hi Dear,
Awesome statements!
I feel the same in my 30’s. I can feel exactly how my mom feels of being left out in her family. I can nor do anything for my mom neither myself. It s disappointing. life is not as fun and happy it was.